Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Update #7: Depression Central

Just realized the other day I’ve written a whole bunch of depressing stuff lately.  No reason why, though.  I've been happy as a lark recently.  A little stressed, but content beside that.
If you’re prone to depression or just aren’t cool with emotional masochism, you don’t have to read it.  Heck, I’m not.  I’m just dumping it here so I won’t come across it later and I’m not like, “Hey, what’s this doing here?”

I take as little responsibility as I can if you have any qualms with it.  If you think a style is cool or something, well then, yes, I did write it.

It’s a weird thing—I have no idea where all of this comes from.  And I know that that sounds like an excuse, but honestly… it just appears in my mind and I write it down.  I’m really a very happy person, as you all know. ^_^

So here goes nothing:

January 4, 2011

a time
I thought that I belonged
I thought there was a place for me
that I
that I really look around
I’m beginning to think
won’t lie
I won’t lie to spare myself
I’m beginning to realize
no one
no one really belongs here
Nor anywhere
at all

Those Left Behind
January 18, 2011

Did you know that I loved you?
I’m staring at my window now, watching the raindrops slide down the frosty glass.  There are people all around me, but I’m not with them.  I’m not one of them.
You didn’t know me.  Not really.
I knew you, though.  In a way.  And I loved you, for who you were and for who you were to become.  I loved you, and when I saw what a bright, bright future laid ahead of you, I rejoiced.
But now it’s all over—it’s all over because of one decision.
The raindrops converge and speed along the slick and unforgiving window pane.  They’re not going anywhere in particular… they’re just going.
I wonder if that’s where you thought you were going?  Nowhere?
I wish I could have been there.  But then, I didn’t know what was going on.  No one did.  You kept it all inside and didn’t let anyone reach out to you.  I want to have reached out to you.
I wish you would have let me.
I can’t find any words.  I can’t comfort anyone.  I’m not angry, not at you, not at anyone.  I just wish you would have told someone—anyone.  I wonder if you regret your decision to suffer alone now.  I just want you to understand.  Even the people you don’t really know are affected by you.
You were a part of my life. I loved you.
More than anything, I’ll miss you.  I hope others think before they choose to try to escape, like you.  I hope that no one else picks like you did.
You thought it was your only option.
Oh, how wrong you were!

Holding On Like You Told Me
January 26, 2011
The pain is prickling
                and stinging
now spreading up my
                weary arms.
My knuckles are white,
                the skin taught:
I’ve been holding on
                for so long.
The bar is almost
                through my hands.
I could call but I’ve
                been calling,
And you’ve been silent
                you left me:
hanging, holding on
                hurting here.
I just know I’m
                going to fall.
But you don’t hear me,
                out of sight.
I don’t know how I’ll
                save myself
but I don’t have a
                choice anymore.
I don’t want to fall.
                please come back
Your love was selfish.
                Is all love
in the end?
                                                                and prove me wrong

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