Monday, January 31, 2011

Update #8: You don't even understand what you're doing to me

I was listening to RED's song Lie To Me (Denial) while I wrote this, from their new album Till We Have Faces. I would say it's a lovely song, but it rings with such power it needs a stronger word than lovely.  The words are full of remorse, pain, and pity. 
It made me think of this situation where someone was hurting another without realizing all that they were doing.  The one hurting knows what's wrong and wants to help.  They ache, knowing and wishing for things to be different, somehow, but they're in no position...
Or maybe they're in the best position of all.

Lie to me
You can feel
That this love was never real
Walk away
You can learn to love again

Lie to me
Watch me bleed
Cause I'll still be here when you see
You're not alone
You don't have to run again
Leave me in denial

Can you just turn away and let me go?




You don’t even understand what you’re doing to me
January 30, 2011 

I can hear the heavy door creaking open.  I blow out a gentle breath, hoping my tears will recede before you come to the other side of the bars.
I can’t remember how long I’ve been down here.  I know you brought me down here long ago, but I don’t know when.
You come every day, and sit on the other side of the bars.  You talk to me, chained here in darkness.  You tell me everything you care to talk about, where I listen and try my best to support you.
The rest of the time, the only one by me is myself.
I’m your prisoner down here.
But I don’t know if you even understand that.
You brought me down here for a reason.  I knew it even before you told me. 
You brought me because you were alone.
You never saw me.  You didn’t bring me down yourself.  I don’t think you can see me:  the black is so intense.  Sometimes I think I can see you, my eyes accustomed to the darkness, but then I’m not sure, and I think whatever black form I saw was just a specter, and maybe I can’t see you after all.
You told me it was better this way.  You told me it was better that you couldn’t see me, that you hadn’t.  After all, if you never saw me, there was no way you could love me for my appearance.
That’s what you’re trying to do, after all.  I remember the first time the chains were slipped around my wrists, my ankles.  You are here for a purpose, you said as they bound me.  If I can love you, it will be better for everyone.  If I can love you, I might have some feeling after all.  If I can love you, maybe I can make the people happy.  If I can love you, maybe I can give their lives some meaning.  What I’m doing now isn’t working.
You didn’t want me for yourself.  You only come down for a small window of time every day.  I’m taken care of, but you’re the only one that I speak to.
I weep alone. To you, I only exist to see if you can feel anything at all. 
I don’t know what you expected of me.  I don’t know what you expect of me.
I smile now.  I know you’re coming, and you can hear the smile in my voice.  You can discern every slight change in my voice.  You know what all of them mean.
The only thing you can’t tell is when I’m lying.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been lying this whole time?
I smile because I dream that you find yourself feeling some emotion, some feeling, something.  I am kind to you because I wish that someday the people will be happy for you.  I love you because I crave with every fiber in my body that they’re happy, up there in the light.  I act for them.
And I’ll keep acting, because I pray my captivity will soften your inhuman heart that someone can benefit from this.
They aren’t the only ones who need this.
I hope you can learn to love, if only for yourself.

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