I haven't been here in a while.
My fingers move, creaky and slowly through the dust. The smell of a faint guilt and heavy negligence hangs in the air. It's unfamiliar and yet it feels right. I start slowly, like getting on a bike after 5 years of having my feet planted firmly on the ground, but when I start to pedal it goes a little easier and a little faster and much better than I might have expected if only I don't fall for then I shall never touch the contraption again.
Falling has that effect on me.
I have decided that I feel and reveal too much. I have determined that sometimes I ought to step back and say Rhett-Butler style that frankly my dear I don't give a damn. I have concluded that my heart gets involved in things where my hands and brain do not. I have discovered that I invest myself when I oughtn't. I have learned that I over analyze and over exaggerate and sometimes I overtly think. Oftentimes, really.
I regret that.
But at the same time, I'll never regret it. Because it's who I am, and it's what I do, and though it gets me into trouble sometimes often times it doesn't and if I don't feel things then how do I know that I'm still a functional human being and how could I go on and how could I ever find words to describe anything if
if I don't actually break my heart over silly things every once in a while? If I don't weep over small losses or let myself feel the sting of another's words or laugh at every little thing that I can or love so deeply that it's too much to bear when people let me down?
And I really do care, even when I want to pull a Rhett Butler. I might not be able to control other people but I can of course control myself and I shall feel with every fiber of my being every emotion that I can to the fullest and I shall not hide my tattered heart on my sleeve and I shall not hide my tears in public and I shall not repent of speaking the way that I feel because it is honest and I shall not speak anything but truth all the days that I live (or at least I shall try very hard to)
Sometimes it's unbearable.
But I shan't apologize for that.
Because everything is, sometimes.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. I don't know.
I'm only responsible for me, I'm discovering. And I don't always know what to do and sometimes I make the wrong decisions.
But I'm not going to hate myself for it.
And I hope that when I make mistakes, you can learn to forgive me for it.
Christina Kuri Icarus