Sunday, June 17, 2012

But I'd rather speak honestly, because redemption is here

I haven't been here in a while.

My fingers move, creaky and slowly through the dust.  The smell of a faint guilt and heavy negligence hangs in the air.  It's unfamiliar and yet it feels right.  I start slowly, like getting on a bike after 5 years of having my feet planted firmly on the ground, but when I start to pedal it goes a little easier and a little faster and much better than I might have expected if only I don't fall for then I shall never touch the contraption again.

Falling has that effect on me.

I have decided that I feel and reveal too much.  I have determined that sometimes I ought to step back and say Rhett-Butler style that frankly my dear I don't give a damn.  I have concluded that my heart gets involved in things where my hands and brain do not.  I have discovered that I invest myself when I oughtn't.  I have learned that I over analyze and over exaggerate and sometimes I overtly think. Oftentimes, really.

I regret that.

But at the same time, I'll never regret it.  Because it's who I am, and it's what I do, and though it gets me into trouble sometimes often times it doesn't and if I don't feel things then how do I know that I'm still a functional human being and how could I go on and how could I ever find words to describe anything if

if I don't actually break my heart over silly things every once in a while?  If I don't weep over small losses or let myself feel the sting of another's words or laugh at every little thing that I can or love so deeply that it's too much to bear when people let me down?

And I really do care, even when I want to pull a Rhett Butler.  I might not be able to control other people but I can of course control myself and I shall feel with every fiber of my being every emotion that I can to the fullest and I shall not hide my tattered heart on my sleeve and I shall not hide my tears in public and I shall not repent of speaking the way that I feel because it is honest and I shall not speak anything but truth all the days that I live (or at least I shall try very hard to)

Sometimes it's unbearable.

But I shan't apologize for that.

Because everything is, sometimes.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.  I don't know.

I'm only responsible for me, I'm discovering.  And I don't always know what to do and sometimes I make the wrong decisions.

But I'm not going to hate myself for it.

And I hope that when I make mistakes, you can learn to forgive me for it.

Christina Kuri Icarus

5 comments:

  1. It always makes me so happy when I find out you've written a new blog post. <3

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  2. Haha, I'm glad. I've missed it and there have been things to write about but... I don't really prioritize and thus have nothing that I stick to, haha :]
    I'm glad, though. <3

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  3. Pffft, I'm glad someone does. I feel like I can't write fiction to save my life though if we're being blatantly and painfully honest DX

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  4. Ahhh, Rhett Butler knows how to make a point. Good man.

    Lovely hearing from you again =) And your fiction is quite delightful, oh yes it is! Always a joy to read.

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