Sunday, December 9, 2012


is taking a cup of tea
and holding it in your hands
and breathing in its scent
and letting it warm your face
and as it washes across your lips
somewhere, someone who is two thousand miles away
can taste it

Monday, December 3, 2012


Everything seems so fragile.
We could fall so easily. But take my hand. Hold tight to these frail fingers and the blue veins through my porcelain skin and hold so, so tight.
We could fall, and fall so easily.
It’s a long drop, but another step and we’ll be past the edge.  We’ll be so far out we can’t go back.
But I want to try.
Do you want to try? (In spite of the fact we might fall, in spite of the fact the drop is so far, in spite of the fact both of our hearts are pounding with so much fear we can’t hardly think.)
(Step out with me.)
Do you want to try?
(We could do it, you know. It’s not even about proving them wrong anymore.)
Everything is so fragile.  You need so much courage for this. (I need so much courage for this.)
And slowly your icy fearful shaking hand reaches out, and your strong but oh so weak fingers entwine with mine.
One step.
One step and we’ll be past the edge.
Take it with me.
My hands can’t warm yours up, because I’m frozen as you. But if you think about it, the question isn’t if we want to go or not.
It’s if we’re all right with staying where we are.
There’s nothing but huge, undaunting courage before us and all that pain and sorrow and frozen wasteland behind us.
(Oh, do it. Oh, take that step.
(what I fear most is that everything depends on it)).
Just one more breath, and we could make it--just don’t look down--please-- let’s go past that edge--
As long as you hesitate so will I.
(What you fear most is that every little thing depends on it.)
And then, daring, we pick up our feet.
The next moments will the ones that prove our mad courage absolutely perfect or terrifically foolish.
What will it be, darling? Did we make the right decision?

Saturday, December 1, 2012

My Dreams Are My Only Obstacle

Someone needs to convince me I won’t be internet famous if I make a youtube channel and start weekly videos.
I mean, I think I’d be good at it. But at the same time, and in the words of Peter Metalhead Lalush who has tried to de-convince me, “Exposure is dang impossible.”
And I think if I could convince myself that I wouldn’t be the next Charlieissocoollike or Danisnotonfire, I might decide that I oughtn’t try.
After all, I tried to convince myself I’d be a video game character concept artist for Sonic Team at Sega and that dream expired a few years back.
And I tried to convince myself I would be fluent in Japanese by the time I finished high school and that dream died with Junior year.
And I tried to convince myself I would be a Photoshop queen and got a graphics tablet and that dream is currently collecting dust in a desk drawer.
So I don’t know if I’m just trying to convince myself that I could be an amazing “YouTuber” so that when I get my Canon S6 and a video editor or whatever I can stick that one in the deepest recesses of the internet and forget about it too.
You see, the problem with my dreams is that they’re expensive. I want to learn Japanese. Rosetta Stone Japanese is about $400, kids.  I want to be a graphics designer, and a graphics tablet is about $350 or so, or at least when I got mine it was. 
Cameras aren’t cheap. And I know nothing about video editors. I don’t even know if I can really do quality video editing without a mac ((but that might just be because I’m rather surrounded by Apple fangirls), and those are even more than a quality camera if I’m not mistaken.
But can you justify the amount of money spent on a venture if you get an experience out of it?
My no-consequences, impressionistic, idealistic artist side is saying yes.
But the rest of my brain is saying no.
And yes I could sell the Japanese and tablet for this youtube thing but—
That gives me pause. I’d still love to learn Japanese, though I know I won’t (ever. Probably.). I’d still love to hold onto the graphics tablet, although that’s kind of like that Aesop’s fable where the dog sat on the hay so the horses couldn’t eat it.
And what if I did get a camera and a video editor? What if I just shelve that dream?
I pursue far too many things, I fear.  I’m interested in so much, I feel like there’s not any time for me to actually do what I want.
That doesn’t even make sense. My dreams inhibit my ability to pursue my dreams. They are my only obstacle.
Anyway. Thought I’d do a kind of blog-posty blog post instead of just posting random thoughts and things on this blog, because I haven’t in a while. I’m doing well, currently drowning in finals that professors made up purposefully to drain the life out of me. I haven’t been good at keeping up with other blogs lately, though I’ve been trying (not too hard. Finals.).
Yep that’s about it.
Much love,
Christina Icarus